Pants 0. Shit 1.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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