i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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