I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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