I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Are my feet made of real feet?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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