i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
