go do what you do best...puke behind churches
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
