if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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