Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
