Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
