The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
