I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
