Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
