Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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