Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
