Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
