wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
last night I used snow as a chaser
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
