I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
