oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize