today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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