That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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