she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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