bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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