I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
