Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
