Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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