your room smells of hookers.
And success
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Randomize
