U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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