and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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