My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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