Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
