and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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