Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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