did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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