Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
