OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
