he told me I talked like a deaf person
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
