i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
