Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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