You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
