my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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