I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
