yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
