I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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