If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
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