I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
