just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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