Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize