Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Soap is not a condiment
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
