is your mom at the bar?
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize