One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
