An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
