seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
