So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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