well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I still have a little drunk in my system
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
