I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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