Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
