It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Randomize
