tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
