I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
being pregnant is like rehab
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
