and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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